hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
