just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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