I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
