Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
