Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
