I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
