Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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