I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
