one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
