hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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