Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
