Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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