I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
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