well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
