it hurts more in the daytime
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
