just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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