What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
