There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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