I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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