just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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