I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
