seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
