Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
