if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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