he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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