Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
