Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
