Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Randomize
