i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
