Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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