....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
