Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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