dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
