OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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