I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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