Is it normal to miss your booty call?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
love makes seman taste better
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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