Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
