gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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