u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
