We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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