i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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