then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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