Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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