i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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