I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
