Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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