he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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