So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
