he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
