everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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