there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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