I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
