I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I think people are normalizing furries
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
