Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
