omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
