there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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