i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
