Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
